Running From Myself
by Goddess Isa
Summary: Veronica is in her senior year at Stanford when a blast from the past shows up. Canon up until 320 The Bitch is Back, then I AU the hell outta this. Lotsa drama.
1. Chapter 1

AUTHORS NOTES:

So this story? TOTAL ACCIDENT. I heard a song in a store and had some dialogue come to mind, and I thought, this'll be two, three pages tops. And it turned out to be 45! Insane! I've published the whole thing at once and would love to hear your feedback! It's not easy writing characters you don't like but it just sorta wrote itself!

* * *

The coffee cart line has actually grown in front of me. People joining their "friends" because they don't wanna wait twenty people back when their class is starting in ten minutes. This is why I should have replaced the moldy coffee maker in my dorm room.

My phone ringing was the last thing I needed right now. I fished it out of my bad and answered without looking, which I know better than to do. "I need caffeine, I was up late studying and I'm not in the mood for your shit," was my greeting.

"Hello to you, too," Mac laughed. "Late night cram sessions getting to you?"

"Something like that," I glanced up and saw that again, the line had grown. It was becoming apparent that I was going to have to choose between a quiet corner of the library and coffee. Shit. "What's up?"

"Have you seen any news today?"

"I haven't seen any news in weeks," a couple a few people ahead of me started to fight and we closed the gap in the line between them as they argued.

"End this call, swipe up, then call me back." Mac hung up and I rolled my eyes and did what she said.

"Holy shit." I hadn't meant to say it out loud, but it was the only thing I could do.

The next thing I knew I was on the ground and someone was handing me ice water.

"Can I get a double shot with this?" I sat up and looked at all the people staring at me. "What?"

"You fainted."

"What?" I grabbed my phone off the ground beside me and as soon as I looked at it, I saw the reason I fainted.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?" a kid from one of my classes asked. I don't know his name but I think he's a psych major, too.

"Coffee," I told him. "Huge, huge coffee."

He ran off and I sat on a nearby bench and opened the story whose headline had knocked me off my feet, literally.

Meg Manning's parents were arrested for child abuse. Grace wasn't the only child they were abusing. They had a son that no one knew about, and he'd never been out of their basement.

With their legal troubles, their kidnapping accusations against Duncan were dropped.

And he was coming home.

The kid brought me the coffee which I took without thanking him and kept reading as I drank.

According to CNN, Jake Kane was thrilled that his only son was coming home to his "rightful place"at Kane Software.

I sent Mac a text that we would talk later and then the same to the texts I saw from my dad and Wallace. I finished my coffee, went to the library, went to class and then collapsed in my dorm.

Mac had called a couple other times so I started with her. I don't know what everyone is so worked up about, this has nothing to do with me.

"This has nothing to do with me," I said when she answered.

"Are you kidding? Veronica, he's already called your dad's office and come by Hearst looking for you. I'm sure he's on his way to see you."

Why the hell would she think that?

"Why do you think that?" I demanded.

"I just told you. He called around looking for you. And….."

"And?" I pressed.

"And I know he saw Logan today. He probably told him where you were."

At the mention of the L word, I felt a little sick. "Great."

"You don't have to see him," Mac pointed out. "I just wanted you to be aware."

"Thanks." I hung up the phone and looked around my small dorm room. It was a mess. I was a mess.

If Duncan wanted to show up here, unannounced, uninvited, unwanted, well, he got what he got.

* * *

It took him two days to show up. He was waiting for me outside one of my classes, looking like he thought he belonged there. He grinned at me, and I walked right past him.

"Veronica, what the hell?"

"Hello, Duncan. How's Lilly?"

"She's great," he whipped out his phone to show me pictures but I wasn't interested.

"That's great, I'm really happy for you Duncan." I pushed past him and entered the cafeteria. I swiped my ID at the entrance and waved at him. "Good luck with whatever."

"Veronica!" he called after me. "Veronica!"

I managed to ignore him for the rest of the afternoon but when I returned to my dorm he was waiting in the hall.

"I charmed my way in here," he said.

"I'll have to talk to security," I pushed him aside, unlocked the door and entered my room. It wasn't lost on me that Duncan was easy to lose most of the time. Easy to push aside, unlike someone else who continued to occupy unwanted space in my head.

"Can I come in?" Duncan hovered in my doorway. Another memory floated through my mind and I pushed it away.

"Will you leave if I say 'no'?"

"Not likely."

"If you must," I waved my hand in a welcoming gesture. "Dump sweet dump."

"It's fine," Duncan looked around, I don't know what he was looking for, but there were no photos, no mementos, nothing but study materials and empty coffee cups and fast food containers.

"Who's watching Lilly?"

"The nanny."

"Not your mother?"

"Celeste isn't really into the whole grandmother thing," Ducan shrugged.

"So nothing's changed?"

"Some things have," I felt him looking me up and down but I was busying myself with unloading my bookbag, opening my laptop.

"I have homework," I said, trying to get rid of him. I hadn't even really looked at him, but I really couldn't be bothered. Duncan was the past. And I left that life behind me the day I set foot on this campus.

"Veronica," I realized that the door to my dorm was still open because Duncan closed it now. He sat on one of my storage benches and crossed his arms. "You look great."

"I look like shit," I smelled an open bag of Doritos to see if they were stale and tossed it in the trash.

"Can you just stop for a second?"

I looked up from the empty pizza box I'd picked up. "Stop what?"

"Stop picking up trash, stop running away."

I sat on the bed and looked at him. "Duncan. Why are you here?"

"I wanted to see you."

"You've seen me. I asked about Lilly. I'm happy you're home, but I've really gotta study, I have finals coming up."

"Veronica," Duncan was still sitting there, looking at me. Someone else would've had me pinned against the wall, daring me not to touch him with his eyes. I blinked that out of my head and looked Duncan in the eye.

"I'm not that girl anymore," I said lightly. "I think you should go."

"You want me to leave?" it was an actual question, and I couldn't decide if that pissed me off or amused me. Maybe a little of both.

"Yes, I would like you to leave."

Duncan stood up. "When are your finals over? I'll come back? Drive you back to your dad's?"

"I'm not going to my dad's. I have an internship near campus. It's related to my major so I'm staying in the dorms through the summer. 'Til I leave."

"To go back home?" he asked hopefully.

"To move to New York. Law school."

"That's…..I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks. So….."

Duncan moved to hug me, then pulled back. He nodded, then turned around before leaving. "You don't have time for dinner?"

I paused. Did I have an excuse? I glanced around the room and saw the litter of my weeks' worth of take out and delivery meals. Sitting down in an off-campus restaurant with menus and actual silverware was tempting.

I reached for my bag. "There's an Italian place not too far from here. Do you have a car?"

"I have a driver," he shrugged. "Come on."

I followed him out, still not touching him. There was no electricity between us. No chemistry, no push-pull, no feelings.

Just the way I wanted it.

* * *

"You're what?!" Mac and Wallace had come to spend a few days with me after finals, and found me packing.

"I'm passing on the internship and moving to New York now."

"Why?" Mac asked. "And doesn't that affect your scholarship?"

"Actually," I sat on the bed and looked at them. "I'm not going to need it."

"You're bailing on law school now too?" Wallace's voice was incredulous.

"No of course not. I just don't need the scholarship anymore."

Mac and Wallace exchanged a Look. "Did you win the lottery and forget to tell us?"

"Not exactly."

They looked at me expectantly. There was no way out of this.

"I kind of….am moving in with Duncan and Lilly."

"WHAT?" they cried in unison.

"When did this happen?"

"Are you back together?"

"Isn't it a little fast?"

"Have you even spent any time with Lilly?"

I let them rapid fire questions at me for a minute then I sighed.

"It kinda just happened in the last few days. He said that Lilly needs a mother and that he still loves me and he brought her up here and she's really adorable-she looks just like her mom, which is kinda hard-and I found myself telling him that I would move to New York with them, help out with Lilly, and Duncan would pay for Columbia."

They looked at me like I had six heads.

"Um, we're also kind of engaged."

"WHAT?" the constant barrage of questions continued for a few minutes while I ate my pizza.

"Veronica, say something," Mac finally said,

"This is good. I don't have to worry about maintaining my GPA and taking specific classes and working a student job."

"That's not a reason to marry someone," Wallace said after a minute. I have a feeling this is the same conversation I'm going to have with my dad.

""What is?" I asked them. "Mac, you excluded, do you guys know anyone with happy, married parents?"

"My parents were happy until my dad died," Wallace pointed out.

"Exactly. _Until_."

"Wallace, would you go get us some ice cream?" Mac asked.

"Girl talk time," Wallace stood up. "I'll be back."

Mac waited until the door closed to sit on the bed next to me and shake my shoulders.

"Where is Veronica Mars and what have you done with her?"

"Mac. I'm fine."

"You're not. You're getting married? To Duncan? Are you insane?"

"Yes, yes, and no."

"Veronica. You don't even believe in marriage."

"Things change."

"You don't," Mac said, and a few unsaid things hung in the air between us.

"I'm fine. It's fine," I assured her. "This is for the best."

Mac gave me a Look. "For who? For Duncan? For Lilly? That little girl is four years old and she's never had a mother and you think you're just gonna jump into the role?"

"She's adorable."

"That doesn't make you her mother."

"Mac. Please. I've thought about all this. It's for the best, really."

"If you say that one more time, I'm going to drag He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named down here to knock some sense into you."

"Don't go there," I shook my head. "This has nothing to do with him."

"This has _everything_ to do with him! Come on Veronica!" Mac was standing now and pacing. "You didn't leave Neptune because of Hearst or Piz or anything else. You left to get away from Logan. THERE! I said his name. Logan. You were running away from him and now you're running away from him _with_ Duncan. That's even worse."

"Mac," I said even though we both knew every word was the truth.

"What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out?" she asked softly. "You remember what happened after you left."

I blocked that information out of my head. If I don't know it, it didn't happen. "This has nothing to do with him," I lied poorly.

"Bullshit."

"Mac-"

"Veronica, come on. You can bullshit Wallace and maybe even your dad. You can definitely bullshit Duncan because he's never been the brightest bulb in the marquee but you can't bullshit me. I can see through all this 'it's fine' and 'it's for the best' crap. You're marrying Duncan because then you think you'll be safe. You think that means you'll never have to worry about Logan. But you know what, Veronica? If you _love_ Logan, you'll never fully get away from him, no matter how far away you move."

"You're wrong," I said with zero conviction in my voice. My phone buzzed with a text from Wallace that he'd met a cute girl at the student store and we were on our own for the night.

"Good," Mac said when she read the text. "Now I don't have to stop yelling at you."

"Lucky me," I flopped down and pulled my pillow over my head.

* * *

My dad was less thrilled than Mac with my announcement, not surprisingly. I sat at the bar in his kitchen drinking coffee while he yelled at me longer and more profanity-laden than he'd ever yelled at me when I was in high school.

"Veronica," he said after a long tirade, "Is this about Logan?"

"I guess it hasn't occurred to anyone in this town that I can make a decision without factoring him into it? Since he's not a factor at all, because he's out of my life?"

Dad stared at me, pursed his lips, nearly rolled his eyes.

"Veronica."

"What?"

He sighed. "I don't want you to make a mistake you're going to regret."

"I'm not. I know what I'm doing."

Dad sighed again. "I'm pretty certain that you don't."


	2. Chapter 2

I didn't want a big wedding. Duncan's parents were furious, but we got married in his dad's backyard with just our parents and Lilly in attendance. I didn't even ask Wallace, because if I did, I knew who Duncan would ask and I couldn't deal with that.

We skipped our honeymoon so we could move and I could get used to New York before school started. Our penthouse was nice enough, and Duncan insisted I have a driver for school to avoid the inconvenience of public transportation. At first I thought weird about it, but once I saw how LA traffic compared to that in NYC, I got used to it.

Lilly was an adorable child. Well behaved and shy. She didn't call me anything at first, she would just grab my hand and lead me to her bedroom or the playhouse in the foyer when she wanted attention.

Duncan and I had a comfortable relationship. We were partners more than anything. He was running the New York division of Kane Software and I was balancing school and whatever it was I was doing with Lilly.

December twentieth and our place looked like Santa threw up in it. Lilly had no interest in reindeer or elves but she _loved_ Santa and gingerbread houses. Christmas decorations covered every inch of our apartment.

"SNOW!" Lilly came running out of her bedroom and into the kitchen. "It's SNOWING!"

"Calm down, Lillybean," Duncan said. He was sipping his coffee and reading the paper. He did the same things the same way every morning. He encouraged me to embrace a routine as well, but it really didn't suit me. I was still in my pajamas with classes over until the New Year. After the nanny shows up to take Lilly to look at the department store Christmas displays, I planned on taking a long, uninterrupted shower and then sleeping away the afternoon.

"It's snowing," Lilly said calmly. "Can we play outside?"

"You can't play in the street," Duncan told her.

"What about the park?"

"Maybe later," Duncan put his dishes in the sink, folded his paper, kissed my cheek and then Lilly's and left for the day.

Lilly looked at me hopefully. "I've only seen snow on TV."

I sighed. I could let the nanny take her. I was going to give in and do it myself when the phone rang.

"Just a sec," I told her and answered it.

"Mrs. Kane, you have a visitor," Allegra announced. Our building was so ritzy that it had a doorman and a secretary.

They usually just let Mena up on her own but occasionally they called to check. "Send her up," I hung up the phone and turned back to Lilly. "Mena is here."

"Will she take me to play in the park?" she asked. "I have boots! And mittens!"

Mena knocked on the door which was unusual, since she had a key. I threw the front door open asking, "Where's your key?"

Logan Echolls was leaning against the wall, looking like he couldn't be bothered to care about little things like keys. "Merry Christmas to you, too." he said.

"Who's that?" Lilly asked and I was surprised that she didn't know him.

"A friend from school," I lied. "We have some work to take care of, can you go in your room and get your snow clothes together? I'll help you put them on in a few minutes."

Lilly took off running, even after I shouted "Don't run in the house!" I heard her bedroom door slam and turned to look at Logan.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I hissed.

He strolled past me into the apartment and looked around. "Wow, Ronnie, talk about moving up about fifty tax brackets. I feel like this place should come with its own footman and pumpkin carriage."

"The house staff is off for the holidays," I folded my arms and watched him stroll past the foyer into the living room. He sat on one of the couches that Duncan pretends he picked out but that Celeste actually chose and looked at me.

"This is what you always wanted, huh?" Logan asked. He leaned against the back of the couch and put his arms out against the backrest like he owned the place. "Rich husband, cute kid, fancy penthouse?"

"Why are you here?" I asked, even though we both knew why he was here.

"I just got my license back," he shrugged. "This was the first place I wanted to come with a shiny new photo ID."

"Why did you lose your license?" I knew that wasn't the issue but deflecting seemed like a good option.

"Good morning!" I heard Mena come in through the kitchen. "Is Lilly in her room?"

"Yes," I called out and I put my finger to my lips to silence Logan. If Mena went in and out through the back halls, she wouldn't see Logan, and I wouldn't get found out. Not that there was anything to find out, but the less Duncan knows, the better.

I heard Lilly's door open and then shut and relaxed a little.

Logan was smirking in that annoying, arrogant way he had that made me want to slap him and shag him at the same time.

"You didn't answer me," I said. "Why did you lose your license?"

Logan's smirk disappeared. "I kinda got a DUI."

"Logan, God."

"You may or may not have heard, I didn't take your leaving very well," he tried to grin but it didn't meet his eyes. "I had a few bad benders, got kicked outta school, and then the day your engagement announcement came out, I drove my car into a wall. I got a sprained wrist, a concussion and a suspended license and sixty days in rehab."

"Logan," I sat on the couch across from him and shook my head. "God, you could've been killed."

"I think that was kind of the point," he shrugged. "Rehab's a bitch, by the way."

"That's kind of the point," I shot back.

"So I've got a ninety day chip and a-"

I hushed him when I heard Mena and Lilly moving through the house.

"Say 'bye' to Veronica," Mena told her.

"BYE!" Lilly shouted. I heard a few more mentions of snow before the back door slammed shut.

"Sorry, go on."

"Something wrong, Veronica?" Logan was smirking again, his brown eyes shining. "Is there some reason Duncan shouldn't know that I'm here?"

"Other than him being pissed that he missed you, no, there's no reason." I straightened how I was sitting. "No reason at all."

Logan steepled his fingers. "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much."

"Why are you here?" I asked again.

"I needed to see it for myself. Veronica Mars, oh I'm sorry, Veronica Kane," he arched his eyebrow as he said it. "Wife, mother, socialite in the making."

"I'm _not_ a socialite," I protested. A part of me wanted to add that I wasn't a wife or a mother, but neither of those statements was true anymore.

Logan glanced around the apartment. "Yeah, you are."

"You should go," I stood up suddenly.

"Why?" Logan asked.

"You know why."

He took that opportunity to stand up. He walked the few feet that separated us and stopped right in front of me.

"You didn't even hug me hello," Logan said quietly.

"Logan." it was a warning, a huge red STOP sign flashing at us. We were standing on the edge of a ravine, teetering dangerously close to the edge.

This was what I had run away from. The intensity, the chemistry, the passion.

The feeling that I might die if I don't kiss him.

This was the opposite of Duncan.

This was what I _wanted_.

Logan took a single step towards me. Our bodies were almost touching and I should've run away. I should've moved, sat down, gone to the kitchen put some space, any amount of space, between us.

I should've.

I stood there, frozen, and let Logan reach out and touch my face. He inched closer and closer until there was no space between us and were kissing.

The kisses were hard, furious, messy, fast. As his hands wrapped around my waist and mine around his neck, I felt like I was alive for the first time in years.

I felt _everything_.

Logan picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist, pressing my body against his. He groaned and I pointed. "Down the hall on the left."

Logan set me on the bed and looked around. "This is your bedroom?"

"Of course not," I kicked my slippers off. "This is one of the guest rooms. Close the door."

Logan closed and then locked the door, just in case. He tossed his jacket off and then came over, kneeling in front of me on the floor. He put his hands on my thighs and licked his lips. "God, I've missed you."

"No talking," I pulled my pajama shirt off. "There's no time."

"Always in such a hurry," Logan pulled his sweater off. He stared at me as I slid my bra down. "You're still so gorgeous," he drew in a breath. "Duncan doesn't deserve you."

"Stop talking and come here."

* * *

I should've felt terribly guilty but I didn't. I didn't feel anything but bliss. Tangled in the guest bed sheets and Logan, I lay there with my head on his chest, listening to his heart and trying to figure out what to say to him.

"I can't believe I went almost four years without that," Logan said. He had my hand in his and was kissing my knuckles.

I couldn't talk. I had forgotten how it was with us. The electricity still coursed through my veins, and like any addict, I wasn't ready to give it up yet.

"I wanna ask you something," Logan said after a minute. "I mean, you don't have to answer, but I still wanna ask."

"So ask."

"Do you love Duncan?"

I couldn't answer-we both knew the answer-so I shook my head against his chest.

"Do you love me?" he asked quietly.

"You've always known the answer to that."

"But I need to hear it." his voice got even quieter, so it was just above a whisper.

"Yes," I mumbled. I kissed his chest and turned to face him. "Yes."

Logan almost let himself smile. He spent a minute just looking at me. "But you're going to stay with him, aren't you?"

"With _them_," I whispered.

"You're staying because of Lilly?" he asked incredulously. I nodded and he shoved me off him and got out of bed.

"That's fucked up, Veronica."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You married someone you don't love, moved as far away as you could get from me, you're raising a little girl who isn't yours, who doesn't even call you 'Mom', and you're pretending that she's the reason you're staying?"

"She's not the only reason," I pulled the sheet around me and folded my arms over my chest. "It's complicated, Logan."

"It's not," he shoved his legs into his jeans and looked at me. "It's not complicated at all. It's a fucked up pile of bullshit."

"Logan," I started to say something but I couldn't get my words together.

"I shouldn't have come here," he dug around on the floor for the rest of his clothes. "I'm such an idiot. I thought…." he stopped talking and lifted up the bedspread, looking for his socks.

"They're over there," I pointed.

He threw them on, glaring at me. "Don't worry, V'ronica," he said my name the biting way he always did when he was mad. "I'm done. I'm really fucking done this time."

No, no, no, he can't mean that. He's not the one that runs, I'm the one that runs. "Logan, come on."

"No, you come on," he threw his shoe across the room. It hit the wall and left a mark that I'll have to blame one of the maids for.

"I love you, Veronica. Does that even mean anything to you?"

I pulled the sheet tighter around me. "Just because we love each other doesn't mean we can be together."

"Silly me, I thought that was exactly what it meant," Logan retrieved his thrown shoe and put it on.

"Please don't leave angry," I pled.

Logan shoved his arms into his sweater and pulled it over his head. "Just leave, right? You got your multiple orgasms and now you're done?"

"That is not what I meant."

"Then what you do mean?" Logan took keys out of his pocket and swung them around in his hand. "What was this?"

"You showed up in my house and-"

Logan burst out laughing. "Your house? Your house? This isn't _your_ house!"

"This _is_ my house," I said defensively.

"There are six foot tall nutcrackers in the hall outside your door. This is not _your_ house."

"It is," I said quietly. He was right, again, and I knew it.

"Your house at Christmas? You had lights of different sizes and shapes strung all over and homemade ornaments on your tree. Your dad has that singing Santa in the Padres uniform. This place looks like Pottery Barn designed it."Logan found his other shoe finally and put it on. Grabbing his coat off the floor, he threw the door open, then stopped. He turned around and looked at me and all the fight had gone out of him.

"All the way here, I thought about how this would go. Would we fight? Would we kiss? Would you tell me to go? You wanna know what I knew wouldn't happen?"

I didn't answer him but I managed a nod.

"I knew you wouldn't tell me you loved him, because you don't. You never did."

God I hate when he's right. I hate it more than anything.

More than I hate faking it with Duncan.

"You should go, Logan."

"Oh, I'm going. And I won't be back," he stopped in the doorway for a second. "And I shouldn't say this, but I fucking love you so I'm going to."

I waited what felt like an eternity for him to speak.

"When you get bored, and you wanna have a real life, you know where to find me."

I watched him walk away, out of my life and my house and my everything.

The door slammed shut and it was only then that I noticed his underwear hanging over the end of the nightstand.

I got out of bed, threw my pjs back on, and took the underwear to the living room where the main fireplace was. I turned it on and tossed the undies in, watching them burn until they were ash.

Then I had to change the guest room sheets because it would be Christmas soon, and one of our fathers would be staying in this room. Celeste was vacationing in Bali with her current boyfriend, but both Jake and my dad were coming for our first Christmas together. I hadn't let myself think about how it didn't look like my house at all, how it didn't feel like Christmas without the tacky and cliched decorations.

I turned the washer on and leaned against it, letting out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. I grabbed a shower, though not nearly as long a one as I'd planned on, then I got dressed and decided I had to do something to forget about my morning activities.

I wrapped Lilly and Duncan's gifts. I filled and ran the dishwasher. I put the clean and dry sheets on the bed in the guest room. Even though they smelled like lavender fields, they were still covered in Logan. That made me want to lay in them and think about him, but I didn't let myself. I kept going.

I had to keep going, like I had been for the past several years. If I didn't stop, I could keep him out of my mind.

At least that's the lie I told myself to keep functioning.

* * *

Christmas came and went without any issues. Lilly was thrilled, my dad pretended to be thrilled, and I pretended to be happy. I was used to acting, I'd been doing it for so long now.

I was a few weeks into the new semester when I started to feel like shit. It only took one sip of coffee for it to turn my stomach and send me running for the bathroom.

After I puked my guts out I knew exactly why I felt so shitty.

I was carrying the ultimate reminder of my fling with Logan.

* * *

Duncan was definitely stupid. We didn't have a lot of sex, and we definitely didn't have sex close enough to Christmas for the baby to be his, and yet he believed it and I let him. I made the decision to finish this semester and then take a year off of classes to have the baby. I could hear the judgement in Mac's voice when I told her.

"I didn't think you were sure you wanted kids," she said without sugarcoating it.

"I _have_ a kid," I reminded her. "And you don't always plan these things."

I could practically hear Mac rolling her eyes. "What'd your dad say?"

I had expected him to be happy. Excited. He'd sighed and said, "Well congratulations, honey. It's your life, right?"

Just the sentiment you want from your dad upon hearing that he's gonna be a grandfather.


	3. Chapter 3

"I didn't want a baby brother!" It was late spring and we'd just found out we were expecting a boy. Lilly was less than thrilled and throwing a first class temper tantrum at the announcement.

"It'll be great, Lillybean," Duncan said. He pushed some of the blue balloons we'd filled the family room with out of his way and knelt in front of Lilly. "You can play with him, and help change his diapers-"

I could've told him that one wouldn't go over well. Her screams grew louder and made my head hurt.

"I'm gonna go lie down," I told him. I went to the guest bedroom where my baby was conceived and crawled under the covers. I told Duncan that the smell of his cologne made me nauseous and that's why I sometimes slept in the guest room. It never occurred to him that I would stay in our bedroom if he just didn't wear the cologne. He didn't seem to mind my absence and I definitely liked having my own space.

Space that had Logan written all over it.

I rested my hand on my stomach as our baby moved around. I had hoped upon hoped it would be a girl. I pictured her with blonde hair and a calm, quiet personality that would make Duncan think she took after him. I pictured her thoughtful and creative-the opposite of Lilly's personality-a daughter that I would've named Julia.

A son could only be trouble. Brown hair that could pass for Duncan's but eyes that would be his father's. Serious, sarcastic, full of energy and endless trouble.

In another life, at another time, with another man, this child might have been named Austin.

But here, in this house, as the false heir to the Kane fortune, this baby would be named Arden. Duncan had given me two choices, Camden or Arden. I didn't argue because I figured, since I was lying to him about the baby being his, I owed him the right to pick his name. I chose Arden because it was the least awful of the two, and because Duncan wanted the baby's middle name to be Jacob, after his dad, and he thought either AJ or CJ sounded like a good name for a future president, and I liked the sound of AJ better. I didn't want that kind of predetermined life for my son, but I had waited too long to make that choice.

Lego camp would now be rowing or lacrosse, video games mostly traded for chess.

It hadn't occurred to me until now that I wasn't the only one making these sacrifices for no fucking reason.

I just hoped AJ didn't hate me for it.

I could only handle one set of those big brown eyes looking at me with disdain.

* * *

"WHY are we going to California?" Lilly screamed. She was picking at her cereal with her spoon and whining about visiting my dad for the third morning in a row.

"Your grandpa built you guys a new treehouse," I said, handing AJ a peeled banana. He was drawing a spaceship of some sort and barely stopped coloring to eat. His level of concentration was way advanced for an almost four year old.

"But I don't _want_ to go!" Lilly continued. "If I go, I'll miss Sophie's sleepover."

Sophie had a sleepover nearly every week, and I told Lilly that. She stayed there all the time and missing just one party wasn't the end of the world.

"You can't say that," Lilly mumbled. She pulled out her iPhone and sent an angrily typed text to someone, probably Sophie. I thought she was too young to have a phone, but Duncan rarely tells her no, so she got one.

In fact, Duncan rarely said anything to anyone these days. He worked a lot, and somehow he'd stopped noticing that I never slept in our bedroom anymore. We raised our kids and we went to social events and I made sure the staff kept his shirts ironed and his coffee weak, but we weren't really a couple anymore.

We never really were, but I never admitted that to anyone, even myself.

That night he came home and told me that he had to work and I should take the kids to Neptune myself.

"Have fun," he said before taking his scotch into his office.

"We will," I said, and it was one of the few truths I told him.

* * *

For a town I hated, Neptune felt surprisingly like _home_. AJ loved the treehouse my dad had built, and Lilly, despite herself, liked it as well. We went to the beach and to get ice cream. I showed the kids where I went to high school and we took my dad's Labrador, Partner, to the park.

It was a perfect week, and I was completely calm and enjoying myself. I should've known that all hell was going to break loose.

I'd taken the kids to get ice cream cones on our second to last afternoon in Neptune. AJ was making a huge mess with his and I'd let Lilly watch him while I went to the counter for more napkins.

"Of all the ice cream joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine."

I didn't have to look up to know that Logan was standing there, staring at me.

I could've run. I could've sprinted past him to my waiting, sticky kids. I could've ignored that I could feel the charge between us without looking at him. That energy that coursed throughout any room we both happened to be standing in.

Instead I gave him a small smile. "Hi, Logan."

He looked me up and down and smiled. "Veronica Kane. The years have been kind."

I could've said that four years was not that long, but I said, "I've got melting ice cream cones…."

"Always running away from me."

I managed to smile at him and started for the kids. I could see from the corner of my eye that AJ was making an even bigger mess and Lilly was on her phone. Big surprise.

"How's the socialite world?" Logan asked. "How's Donut?"

"Great, he's great, we're great, kids are great."

"Kids," Logan drew in a breath. "You have a kid?"

I figured he would've heard, but the look on his face was one of pure shock. If I wasn't so panicked, I would've taken some pride in that.

"Yes. A son. If you'll excuse me-"

I tried to push past him but Logan stopped me, put his arm on mine. I jerked my arm away before I could think about how much that small touch affected my whole body.

"I wanna meet him," Logan said quietly. "I always pictured….." he shook his head. "Doesn't matter. Let me meet him."

"Fine," it was gonna happen sometime, I guess. I pulled away from him and returned to the table.

"Hi!" AJ said happily when he saw Logan. AJ loved people. He was sometimes too friendly for his own good.

"I know you," Lilly said suspiciously.

I poured some water onto a few napkins and started wiping AJ's face off. "This is my friend Logan, from school. You met when you were pretty little, I don't think you would remember him," I told her. I glanced in Logan's direction. "This is Lilly, and AJ."

"Hi Logan," AJ waved at him.

"No, that's not it," Lilly set her phone down, a rarity. "You're in the pictures Daddy keeps hidden."

"What pictures?" I asked. I wiped AJ's hands off and took the smashed remainder of his ice cream cone to throw away.

"The ones in his desk," Lilly studied Logan for a second. "You're in the pictures with my aunt."

"You're not supposed to go in your dad's office, you know that," I reminded Lilly.

"Don't you talk?" Lilly asked Logan, and it was then that I realized he hadn't said a word since he laid eyes on AJ.

"Lilly," I said as calmly as I could, "Take AJ and go play in the ball pit."

"REALLY?" Lilly squealed. "Daddy said we're not allowed to play in ball pits."

"It'll be our little secret. I'll keep your phone for you."

She handed it over and took AJ by the hand. "I'll be good."

"Keep an eye on your brother!" I called after her. I took Logan by the arm and moved us to a booth where we could talk and I could still see the ballpit perfectly. There were only a few other kids in it which made keeping an eye on them easier.

"You okay?" I waved a hand in front of Logan's face. I watched him watch AJ play for a minute before he turned back to me.

"What the fuck, Veronica?" he demanded. "That's MY kid!"

"Logan," I began, but he cut me off.

"That kid is mine and you never told me! How could you do this to me? To him?"

Logan continued his quiet tirade for a few minutes while I kept an eye on the kids. When he was out of steam, I took a deep breath and began.

"When I found out I was pregnant, you were barely six months sober. What was I supposed to do? Abandon Lilly and go back to Neptune? Raise a baby in the Neptune Grand? Come on, Logan."

"That's about the worst fucking excuse you've ever given me for anything," he put his head in his hands for a few minutes. "I know you hate me, Veronica, but this is a new low, even for you."

I wanted to say something, but I didn't have much of a defense. So I waited for him to speak again.

"Does he know?" Logan asked after a few minutes.

I didn't know how he couldn't. AJ looked _just_ like Logan.

"If he does, he's never let on," I told him honestly.

"Are you happy?" Logan asked. I didn't expect him to give a shit.

"I love my kids," I began.

"Lilly's not yours," Logan said, "Although I guess biological parentage isn't a big deal to you?"

I ignored him since he had every right to be pissed. "I should get the kids back to my dad's. He'll be home from work soon."

"You're not going anywhere," Logan grabbed my wrist.

"Logan, come on."

"No, you come on! You kept my son from me and you think what? You're just gonna whisk him back to your penthouse and I'll forget all about him? You might have been right about me all along, Veronica. I'm _not_ Aaron. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna let someone else raise my kid."

"He loves Duncan," I said quietly.

"Does he even know him?" Logan asked. His voice had softened and some of the fight had gone out of his eyes. "Does he play T-ball with him? Help him learn his ABCs? Sit through the same episodes of Ninja Turtles over and over?"

"Duncan works a lot," I said by way of an answer.

"That doesn't surprise me."

"I really do need to get the kids home."

"Did you drive here?"

I shook my head. "We flew here from New York and I didn't get a rental. We walked from my dad's."

"I'll walk with you then," Logan said. "Maybe your dad will be home when we get there. He could watch the kids so we could go…..talk."

That word was loaded with so many different connotations. Anger, hate, sadness, jealousy, lust. I had to look away from Logan as I scooped up the kids backpacks and my purse.

"Maybe," was all I said to him before calling to the kids that it was time to go.

* * *

AJ took to Logan immediately. He held his hand as we walked and talked nonstop about Lego and astronauts.

I glanced at Lilly, who refused to hold my hand but stayed right beside me, never taking her eyes off her phone. If she thought anything was odd between Logan and I, or Logan and AJ, she didn't say it.

I saw my dad's car parked outside the house and let out a sigh of relief. I figured talking to Logan somewhere private was better than having a screaming match in front of my father.

Logan stopped at the end of the sidewalk. "I'm gonna go get my car. Pick you up in twenty?" he asked.

"Yeah," I unlocked the door and stared at him for a sec before going inside.

Partner rushed at the kids and I avoided my dad's gaze, going into the kitchen for some water. A few minutes later, I heard two sets of footsteps enter the room, one human, one canine.

"Logan?" my dad arched an eyebrow at me. He'd plunked the kids in front of a Pixar movie and was giving me his PI look. Partner moved past me towards his bed and stretched out on it, exhausted.

"He wants to talk. I owe him that."

Dad opened his mouth to say something but I turned and I went in the bedroom. I brushed my hair and changed out of my yoga pants into jeans and a tee. When I came back in the kitchen, my dad took notice but said nothing.

Logan pulled up and honked his horn. "Tell the kids I'll be back before dinner," I told him.

"Veronica," Dad said to my back. "Does Logan know?"

I froze. "Know what?"

"What everyone but Duncan seems to know."


	4. Chapter 4

"Where are you going?" I asked when I was seated in Logan's car, watching him race down a street with a twenty MPH speed limit.

"My place."

"You wanna go to the Grand?" I didn't know if that was such a good idea. Duncan could have acquaintances there, and being seen out, alone, with Logan would be bad.

"No, my place. My house."

"You have a house?"

Logan turned the radio on, found an old Snow Patrol song and turned the volume up. If he thought that was going to end my inquisition, he was wrong.

"When you said go and talk, I thought you meant like at a Starbucks."

"I have a Keurig," he said. "You can make whatever you want when we get there."

I turned away from him and watched Neptune blur as he drove well above the speed limit. I would've thought a Beemer going sixty in a school zone would've had every cop in Neptune tailing him, but nothing happened. Logan was nearing 70 when he slowed and turned into a beachfront community.

"This is where you live?"

Logan shrugged. "I can surf every morning before work."

I let out a laugh. "Work?"

"Some of us do work for a living V'ronica. We can't all be ladies of leisure."

I ignored him and studied the house he stopped in front of. It was large, all white brick and big flowers blooming in the front courtyard.

"You coming?" Logan asked, and I realized he was out of the car and halfway up the driveway. I scrambled to follow him to the side door.

"Watch your step," he said as we entered and immediately there was a step down, and then another.

"My studio is down there," he motioned towards a staircase to the left. "Bathroom's there," he pointed right and then started up another small set of stairs. "Everything else is up here."

His kitchen was huge, which I found hilarious for some reason. Modern appliances and fresh fruit everywhere.

"Keurig's there," he pointed to a cart holding the machine and several stands of the K-cups.

"I'm okay right now."

Logan kicked his shoes off, left them on the kitchen rug and kept walking. He plopped onto a couch in a large room-living room? Family room?-with huge windows looking out at the beach. I sat on the chair opposite him to keep the distance between us.

"Should I have taken my shoes off?" I asked suddenly.

Logan shrugged. "Whatever you're comfortable with."

I wasn't comfortable at all, but I didn't say that, I just looked at him, waiting.

After a few minutes, he said, "I could really use a drink right now." he went into the kitchen and returned with two water bottles. He handed me one and sat back down. "Did you know?"

"Know he was yours? Yes."

"From the beginning?"

"Well Duncan and I didn't have sex at Christmastime, so yes, I knew."

"Less than a year married and you were already done in the sack?" Logan almost laughed. "That's maybe even sadder than you hiding my child from me."

"Logan-"

"Don't," he took a long drink of his water. "You can't talk your way out of this. You can't even try to justify it."

"Then why did you wanna talk? Why am I here?"

"In rehab, you're not supposed to date or fool around or anything," Logan leaned forward, tossed his water bottle up and down in his hands. "People were always getting in trouble for hooking up. It was like being in a convent or something. It was easier to use there than to get some," he shook his head. "There was this one girl there who was using the whole time, I could tell. She got her stuff in via books. Her own sister would sew the shit into the bindings of the books," he shook his head. "She'd leave these things torn apart, books with ripped off covers, all over the place. There's a lot of free time in rehab, you know? And I read a lot of these books."

I studied him, wondering where this was going.

"One time, I found freaking _Fifty Shades of Grey_ just discarded in the hall, like trash. Which it mostly was, yeah," he laughed.

"You read _Fifty Shades of Grey_?"

"I was bored," he shrugged. "But there's something that Ana talks about, between her and Christian. This….sort of current between them." he looked me in the eyes. "We have that."'

I broke the gaze between us and looked at the floor, the coffee table, the water bottle I was still holding but hadn't drank from. "Logan, we don't-"

"We do," his eyes found mine again and I shivered, involuntarily. "You know you feel it. It's like static, bouncing in the air between us. You feel it. It makes you tingle, the closer I get to you. I don't even have to touch you for you to feel it."

I forced myself to turn away. I took a drink of water. Cleared my throat. That current was still there, in the room, between us, and we both knew it.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I lied.

Logan stood up and walked over to me. He barely touched my cheek and I simultaneously shivered and leaned into his touch.

"Yes you do," he said, walking off down the hall.

Stupidly, I set my water on the coffee table and followed him. "I thought we were going to talk."

"We're talking," he rounded the hall and went up another short flight of stairs.

"I wouldn't have figured you for a split level," I commented.

Logan turned and met my eyes. "I thought it would be a fun house for kids."

I wondered to myself when he had bought the house, at what age he started thinking about a family. I really thought while I was carrying AJ that I was too young to have kids.

The stairs ended in a huge, open bedroom with a balcony overlooking the water. There was a television bigger than the one in the family room and an open door in the corner looked like it was a master bath.

"You live here alone?" I asked.

"You see anyone else?" Logan sat on a gigantic beanbag-like chair-which was so him but I would never tell him that-and looked around.

"It's just a lot of house for….just you."

"Like I said. I thought it'd be fun for kids."

"When did you buy it?"

"A few weeks after our night together," he gestured to the bag he was sitting on. "It's plenty big enough for two."

"I'm fine standing." I crossed my arms and looked around the room. I would never tell him how gorgeous this place was. I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

"I have to get back to the kids soon," I told him. "What did you wanna talk about?"

"Would you ever have told me?"

I considered it. "Probably not."

"Why the fuck not?" Logan had never looked at me like that before. He was so angry. So hurt and ready to pound someone.

I shrugged. "I just thought it was better if everyone thought he was Duncan's."

"That's a bullshit excuse. You didn't tell me because you didn't want to have to see me all the time."

"That's not-"

"If I knew about him, I would've wanted visitation. I would've been involved, and then you would've had to see me regularly, and you didn't want to."

"It's more than that," I admitted. "Being Duncan's son makes him heir to the Kane fortune. Being yours-"

"Makes him the grandson of a murderer," Logan nodded. "I get it." he paused, and then he threw the water bottle across the room. It hit something and I heard glass shattering somewhere that I didn't bother looking at. "Even if you didn't tell the world, you should've told _me_."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"For what? For keeping my son from me or for lying to me about it?"

"For everything."

"Everything?" Logan strolled over to me and grabbed my arms. "Everything? What does that even mean? You're sorry for high school? College? Dodging my emails? Slamming the door in my face so many times I can't even count?"

"Yes. All of it. I regret all of it," I said quietly.

"Regret?" Logan spat out. "You regret everything? Even that night at your apartment?"

"Logan, stop."

"I'll make you a deal," he pulled me closer to him so our faces were almost touching. "Tell me it didn't mean anything. Tell me none of it meant a fucking thing to you. Tell me you don't want me so bad right now, you wanna slap me and fuck my brains out at the same time. Tell me that, and I'll leave you-and him-alone."

I knew he wouldn't turn his back on his son, and he knew I couldn't say he meant nothing to me. I stared him down, daring him to do or say something else.

After a few minutes of glaring at each other, I said, "I know you won't abandon your son."

"I would," he whispered. "Just tell me you don't love me."

"That is not what you said before," the words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

Logan took a step back, let go of my arms and grinned. He fucking grinned at me. "You just gave me your answer."

"I did no such-"

He cut me off by kissing me. The same sparks I always felt went off inside me but I pushed them down, shoved him off me and slapped him.

His grin grew like the Cheshire Cat. "There's my Bobcat."

I raised my hand. "I'll hit you again."

He put his arms out and stood there, ready. "Come at me."

"You're disgusting," I started for the stairs but Logan grabbed me and kissed me again.

This time I shoved him hard enough that he landed on the bed.

"Bullseye," he said, eyeing me.

"I am not sleeping with you," I said with zero conviction in my voice.

"Who said anything about sleeping?" Logan winked at me and I wished I had something to throw at him. I searched the room but found nothing suitable.

"You're kinda despicable," I said, but I still didn't leave.

"Isn't that one of the things you love about me?"

I wanted to say "I don't love anything about you" but I couldn't make myself.

So I folded my arms and said, "Can you please drive me back to my dad's?"

The shit-eating grin was back. "No."

"Logan."

"Veronica," he looked entirely way too pleased with himself.

"What the hell is making you so damned giddy?"

"I told you four years ago to come find me when you were ready," he gestured towards me. "Here you are."

"I didn't come here and find you. We bumped into each other at an ice cream parlor and I agreed to come here and talk, but I see you haven't matured at all, because you still think 'talk' means 'have sex'."

"So talk," Logan folded his arms behind his head and grinned at me again. "I'm all ears. You could tell me how you hate me, or how Duncan is such a great and involved father. Tell me that you didn't give up your dreams and goals to be his little wifey, in the society pages and the charity events. Tell me all about your happy life."

"Fuck you," I spat out, because he still knew me too well and I fucking hated him for it.

"I'm game if you are," he grinned again.

"This was a mistake. I'm calling an Uber."

This time when I turned to leave, Logan let me. I made it down the first flight of stairs before I had to stop and catch my breath. Logan made me crazy, and he made me furious, and he made me want him.

He was still on the bed when I went back up there, in the same position, still grinning.

"You don't wanna talk."

It was like someone else took hold of my body. Before I even knew what was happening I was on Logan's lap, straddling him, pushing my body into his. He kissed my so hard it almost hurt.

It was invigorating and it made me feel alive.

Logan's hands played with the bottom of my shirt. "Tell me you love me," he murmured against my neck.

"Shut up and kiss me." my lips found his again for a few crushing moments and then he was back at my ear.

"Tell me you love me," he said again, more insistent this time.

"You know I fucking love you," I managed.

Logan pulled away so I could see his face. His eyes stared into mine for a minute before he smiled.

"Why is that always so hard for you?"

"I don't wanna talk," I reached for him but he inched back, watching my face.

"Just because it's easy with Duncan, that doesn't mean it's right."

"You wanna talk about _Duncan_ right now?"

"I never wanna talk about him, but I think you need to think about what you're doing for a second."

"I'm…"

"You're cheating on your husband," Logan said quietly. "Are you so willing because you want to cheat, or are you willing because it's me?"

"All of the above and none of the above," I rolled off him and sat there, frustrated. I leaned back on my elbows and sighed. "Why does everything have to be so hard?"

"You tell me, V'ronica. You're the one that runs when things get too real. And look at you, you're already second guessing whatever this is, five minutes after admitting how you feel about me."

"I hate when you say my name like that."

"I know," Logan plopped backwards and looked at me. "You gotta make a choice though. And not just for me. For AJ too."

"How?"

Logan reached out and took my hand in his. "Listen to your heart for once?"

"When was that ever the right thing to do?"

"When did you ever do it?" Logan countered.

I laid down and stared at the ceiling. "Can't we just forget about everything for five minutes and just-"

Logan was on top of me then, kissing, groping, touching. He waited until I was panting to roll off me, all smug like.

"The way you feel right now, that frustration? That's what you've been doing to me since high school."

"Logan-"

"You get me all hot, all happy, all hopeful, and then you're just gone."

"So you've said."

"I'm gonna go for a run on the beach," Logan stood up, stretched his arms, cracked his neck. "And maybe call my sponsor. When I get back, I want a decision."

"About what?"

Logan looked at me with the same sad eyes he had so much when we were kids. "About us."

* * *

I didn't feel comfortable using the master bathroom so I went downstairs to the other one. After splashing water on my face, I remembered what Logan had said about a studio. What kind of studio could he possibly have?

I could hear him on the phone upstairs, so I tiptoed down to his studio and flicked on the lights.

At least twenty surfboards in various colors and designs were leaned against the wall. There was a room with a glass door to the side, so I peeked in.

A rainbow of paints filled shelves on one wall. Large stencils hung on another. There were tools and large pieces of wood everywhere, and it smelled like sawdust.

Logan made surfboards?!

* * *

I ran upstairs to ask him, but there really wasn't a whole lot of talking. He'd never made it to his run, because I'd found him on the phone with his sponsor and when they'd hung up, I'd kissed him and taken him back to his bedroom. I couldn't really say what I felt, so I'd kissed him and pulled at his clothing and that had been the end of the talking portion of the night.

Logan drove me home around three in the morning. We didn't talk much in the car, a combination of sleep deprivation and stress and questions I didn't want to answer.

"I'll drive you guys to the airport tomorrow," he offered when he stopped the car in front of my dad's house. It was dark and I was sure everyone but Partner was asleep.

"My dad's taking us," I looked at him and instantly felt horrible because I was most likely going to hurt him again and he knew it but he let me in anyway. It wasn't fair to either of us, but it was like it was inevitable.

"Just….." Logan took my hand in his. "Just don't give up on us."

I gave him a quick kiss and got out of the car. I ran up to the door but when I turned around he was still sitting there, watching me.

"I'll call you," I said, which felt as stupid as it sounded, and then I went into the house.

When I was in high school, it was easy to sneak in and out because Dad was on stakeouts a lot. Sometimes out of town chasing bail jumpers and escapees. I expected him to be upstairs asleep, but a light in the living room went on as soon as I closed and locked the door. Dad was sitting there with Partner at his feet.

"Walk of shame?" he said and I turned fifty shades of red.

"Don't." I took my shoes off and sat on the couch across from him. "I'm not a child."

"But here you are, sneaking in after a night at your-" he paused, then changed tack. "The kids wondered where you were. It took ice cream sandwiches to get them to go to bed."

"I lived off ice cream sandwiches when I was their age. Look how I turned out."

"What are you doing, Veronica? You're a married woman."

"I think you're like, a decade late for this lecture. I'm an adult."

"Then act like it!" he shouted quietly. "You know, I've been waiting since AJ was born for Logan to find out about him. Waiting to see how it played out."

"Dad. That's crazy."

"Logan's not the suing type. He's not gonna put you and Duncan and especially AJ through a public custody battle."

"I don't think he's gonna disappear into the night, either."

"So what now? You're gonna sleep with him every time you visit me? Let AJ think he's playing with his 'Uncle Logan'?" he made air quotes and rolled his eyes. "You can't play God with their lives, Veronica. It's not fair to either of them."

It wasn't lost on me that the "either" he spoke of was Logan and AJ. Duncan didn't even factor into the equation.

"You're too old for this behavior," Dad stood up and Partner got up too. "You might wanna make a decision about this before someone else does it for you."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Dad stopped at the bottom of the stairs. "Honey, Duncan has a lot of money and a lot of power. He could try to take AJ away from you. I can't believe you've never given that any thought."

I watched him and the dog go upstairs, but my feet were glued to the ground. I just assumed that _if _Duncan ever found out AJ wasn't his he wouldn't want anything to do with him.

I think had to assume that. The alternative was too horrific.


	5. Chapter 5

AUTHORS NOTES:

See the end of this chapter for notes/thoughts and remember: AU people! AU!

* * *

The doorbell woke me up, sunlight streaming through the windows. There were no signs of my dad or the kids and it rang again before I could get my bearings.

On the fourth ring I answered it and signed for two packages, one addressed to Lilly, one for AJ. I opened them and found two huge PlayDoh building sets. A note fell out of the box addressed to AJ.

"I know you won't tell them they're from me," it said in Logan's loopy handwriting. "And that's okay. I just wanted them to have something. This was one of my favorite toys when I was his age."

I could tell there was something scrolled on the back so I turned the piece of paper over.

"Don't forget about last night. I never will."

I crumpled the note and threw it in the trash just as Lilly came out of the guest room where she and Aj were sleeping in bunk beds.

"_There_ you are," she already sounded annoyed like a teenager. "Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry, I got busy last night, I couldn't get away," I held out the PlayDoh beauty shop toy Logan had sent. "I got you this to make up for it."

"PlayDoh? What's that?" Lilly looked at it curiously and I realized that Duncan was letting her trade a childhood for an iPhone. It made me sad but I ignored it and sat on the floor with her, opening it and showing her how to roll the clay and press it into the molds.

AJ got up a few minutes later and was fascinated by the bug-themed set Logan had gotten him. I left them playing to make pancakes and was so busy I didn't hear my dad come in.

"I remember that smell," he said, pointing to the kids. "You do some guilt shopping before the crack of dawn?"

"Logan sent them," I said quietly. "I told the kids they were from me."

Dad glanced at the kids and then said quietly, "I think you should make a decision and stick with it, Veronica."

Not looking at him, I pretended to focus on whisking the batter. "I've made my decision."

"You haven't, but you need to. I'm gonna take Partner for a walk."

"You don't want any pancakes?"

He shook his head. "I don't have much of an appetite." he stared at me for a minute. "You're not in high school anymore, Veronica. You need to stop acting like it."

* * *

Dad and I barely spoke the rest of the day. He drove us to the airport while chatting with the kids about baseball and PlayDoh and Partner, bue he didn't say two words to me. He claimed parking problems were the reason he dropped us off at the door instead of saying goodbye at security.

I got the kids cookies before the flight and once we boarded, AJ went right to sleep and Lilly was immersed in some game on her phone. I pretended to read a novel but all I really did was think about Logan.

Hadn't I already made my mind up about him? I was married to someone else for Heaven's sake.

When we got to New York, the kids were irritable and jet lagged. As I carried AJ and drug Lilly behind the skycap pulling our luggage, I thought about how it was never discussed if Duncan would pick us up. It was never even discussed that he would send someone to pick us up.

The car service window was still open and I hired one to drive us back to the penthouse. I occupied the cranky kids with french fries and thought about what I was going to say to Duncan.

I hadn't missed him at all this last week. And other than calling to make sure we'd gotten in okay, we hadn't spoken at all. I hadn't even thought about it until we were on the plane and AJ said he couldn't wait to show his dad the PlayDoh grasshopper he'd made. It kinda broke my heart because I knew that Duncan couldn't care less, and Logan would've shown interest in whatever AJ wanted to share with him.

The house was quiet when we got home, the staff gone for the day and Duncan still at work, I guess. There were notes on the fridge from Amalita, the cook, that there was mac and cheese in the fridge for the kids and from Laine, one of the maids, that the sheets were clean and all my mail was on my nightstand.

I put AJ to bed first, leaving Lilly on the couch with her phone and when I roused her to go to bed a few minutes later, she complained about not taking a bath first.

"You'll take one tomorrow," I told her.

"That'll make my hair all weird."

"Then you'll have weird hair," I kissed the top of her head and told her I loved her.

"Me too," she said without looking at me.

I left her door open a little and went in the kitchen for some wine. This was abnormally late for Duncan to be at work, so I sent him a text that we were home and was going to go collapse into bed when I noticed his office door was ajar.

He never leaves it unlocked, which is why it surprised me when Lilly said she'd been in there looking at photos.

I peeked in and found Duncan's office to be as neat and organized as the rest of the house. He was kind of a neat freak now, annoyingly. I walked behind his desk and sat in his chair, studying the drawers. None of them were locked. Amatuer.

The first few were your typical desk drawers. Pens, post-its, paper clips, work files, USB drives, White-Out. The biggest bottom drawer contained a wooden box that I assumed was where Lilly found the photos.

I set it on my lap before opening it.

Lilly was right, there were definitely photos of Logan with Duncan and with her aunt in there. There were a few photos of the four of us in high school, too, but really the box was rather empty for its size.

Too empty. I studied it and realized it had a false bottom. The box was way deeper than the wooden base the photos were sitting on. I took them all out and poked around until I found a little latch in one corner. I tugged the MDF board up and found a treasure trove underneath.

God, I hope Lilly didn't find these.

There must've been two hundred or so photos, mostly of a shirtless, tanned man that I recognized as one of Duncan's business partners, Ricky. Duncan was in some of the photos, equally tanned and shirtless.

I put the box back together, shut it, put it back in the desk and laughed my ass off.

Duncan was gay.

Duncan Kane, his parents' perfect son, was gay.

Everything makes so much sense now.

I went back to the kitchen for more wine, then texted Duncan again and told him he needed to come home ASAP. Then I grabbed my laptop and did a little digging. It wasn't hard to find Ricky's "private" Instagram page, where there were at least a dozen photos of he and Duncan together, tagged Cozumel. They were dated this last week.

While I was visiting my dad and torturing myself about Logan, Duncan was living his best life as a gay man in Mexico.

I wasn't the only one living a lie these last few years. How I didn't realize it, I'll never know.

It was only a little after nine in Neptune. I sent my dad a quick text to tell him we were home safe, and then I called Logan.

"If this is a booty call," I could almost hear the grin in his voice, "It's gonna take me a few hours to get to New York."

"This is just a call-call."

"Damn."

"Tell me about your business."

"Not at all what I expected."

"I saw the surfboards at your house. I may have snooped in your studio."

"I don't really sell mine. I usually donate them," I could almost hear him shrug. "I'm no artist, it just helps me burn off steam."

"Tell me how you got started."

"Dick, actually."

"Dick?"

"Yeah. He took me to Hawaii after I visited you in New York," Logan paused and I knew he was doing a lot of thinking.

"There was this old man there who literally had a shop on the beach. Workbenches, tools, the whole thing. He would throw tarps over it when it rained, then get right back to making his boards. Everything was custom, one of a kind. I watched him work for like three solid days. We didn't even talk, he just worked and I watched, and I thought, I should do that. So I did it. I hired actual craftsmen to make most of them, I just mess around for fun."

"That's amazing."

"What's up, Veronica?" Logan asked. "Donut not home from work yet?"

"I wanted to hear your voice," I emptied my wine glass and poured myself another.

"Why? So you could tell me you're coming back to me tomorrow?"

"No."

"So you could tell me you're done?" he almost whispered the last part.

"Definitely not."

"I'm not gonna be your _Sex and the City_ style fuck buddy."

"You don't have feelings for a fuck buddy," I let that slip out without meaning to. The wine was starting to get to me.

Logan sucked in a breath. After a beat, he said, "I'm gonna need you to sort out what all this means to you."

I heard the elevator ding, and I knew Duncan would be coming any minute. "I have to go."

"Just pretend you're talking to Wallace," Logan said. "No, say it's Mac. I don't wanna imagine you in bed with Wallace, but two chicks-"

"Goodnight, Logan." I hung up just as the kitchen door opened. Duncan looked surprised to see me.

"You look awfully tan for a day spent at the office," I greeted him.

'Hi. I uh, I thought you were coming home tomorrow."

"Nope, it was always today. Lilly's dance classes start back up tomorrow, remember?"

Duncan took a water out of the fridge and opened it. "I didn't see that on the calendar."

"It's right there in front of you," I pointed to the gigantic dry erase calendar on the wall.

Duncan didn't look at it. "How was your trip?"

"Good, good. Not as enlightening as my homecoming though," I emptied my wineglass again and realized I'd better stop before I got too tipsy to talk to him like an adult.

"What does that mean?"

"You know, most fathers would've asked how their kids were. If they were okay on the plane, if I had any issues with temper tantrums or motion sickness."

"I figured if there was an issue, you'd tell me."

"No, you figured I would just handle it like I always handle everything," I put my glass in the sink and then turned and leaned against the counter. "I'm not your mother, Duncan."

"I know that."

"No, you don't. I think you thought I would become her, though. The perfect trophy wife throwing parties and posing for pictures. I did a pretty good job pretending for the past few years, though, didn't I?" I honestly think I meant to sound more bitter than I did. Damn that wine.

"I even gave you the perfect heir right?" I asked. "A boy instead of the wild, impulsive daughter you had out of wedlock in high school."

Duncan took a long drink of his water. "Dad thought I needed a son."

"Do you ever make any decisions on your own, Duncan? Who decided you should marry me?"

"I did. I knew I had to have a wife when I came back. My mom, she wanted me to marry Shelly Pomroy. I knew she'd be furious if I picked you."

I burst out laughing. "You and Shelly?"

"I didn't want Shelly."

"You didn't want me, either," I suddenly wished I still had the wine to drink. "You don't love me, Duncan. Maybe you never really did, I don't know. But that was high school, and this is now."

"Veronica, are you drunk?"

"I'm buzzed, but that's not where this is coming from. Why are you tan?"

"I….went for a run the other morning. Forgot sunblock."

I walked over and pulled his shirt open. It was the only time I'd ever taken his shirt off without opening the buttons, and that realization made me giggle. "Were you running without a shirt?"

"Veronica."

"I found your photos," I almost laughed. "The ones with Ricky. I should've known."

"It's not what you think."

"Oh, it's exactly what I think." Fuck it. I got another glass out of the cabinet and poured the rest of the wine into it. After a big gulp I looked at Duncan. "You and I were both running from who we really are and running from what we really wanted."

Duncan shook his head. "That's not what this is."

"That's exactly what this is!" I slammed my glass on the counter in frustration. "Do you know why I agreed to marry you?"

"I know why," Duncan said quietly.

"Enlighten me."

"You married me to punish Logan."

I burst out laughing.

"I don't think anything about this is funny."

"I didn't marry you to punish Logan. I married you to punish myself."

"I'm a punishment?" Duncan had the nerve to look hurt.

"You, Duncan….you're like….like Cheerios." Wow, I really am getting drunk.

"Cheerios?"

"Yeah. Safe. Wholesome. Good on paper. Everyone loves you. But the reality is that you're a fake. Everything about us, about our life here, is fake."

I could tell I'd hit a nerve, and I kept on going.

"You picked me because you needed a wife and I fit the part. And I agreed to it because if I was married to you, I would never be tempted to go back to the life I really wanted. That life is dangerous and exciting and hard as fuck. And pretending here with you was pretty easy, for the most part. You told me when you first came back that Lilly needed a mother. That was true then, and it still is. And I will happily stay in her life if you both want me to because I do really, truly care about her." Drunkenness be damned, I picked up my wine glass and finished it.

"Duncan, I'm leaving you. I'm taking my son-mine, not yours, but you already know that, don't you?-and I'm going home."

Duncan was quiet for a few minutes. "When?"

"As soon as I can hire movers and book plane tickets."

"I knew you'd leave one day."

"You look sad. Why are you sad?"

He shrugged. "I'm not, really, I just…"

"What?"

"I have to admit to my mom that I'm gay now."

I honestly thought he was going to say something about missing AJ, but the truth was he'd never really cared about him at all. He was just part of the package, the image that Jake and Celeste wanted Duncan to put forth.

"I'm going to bed. I'll start figuring everything out in the morning."

I turned to leave but then Duncan called my name.

"What?"

"I know we had a prenup, but…..what do you want?"

"My son."

"You can keep your ring," Duncan offered. "And if there's anything else you want…"

"I want you to sign away all your rights to AJ, so Logan can adopt him."

"Okay," Duncan agreed. "I'm sorry," he offered.

"Me too," I mumbled, but he wasn't the one I was apologizing to.

* * *

It took two weeks for Duncan's lawyers to draw up all the paperwork on our divorce and for AJ. I noticed on the forms that when Logan adopts AJ, we can legally change his name. I'll have to talk to both of them about that. The name Austin Echolls still runs through my mind.

Lilly didn't seem to care much that we were leaving. She only asked that someone remind her father to come to her dance recital. I wrote it on the calendar for the nanny.

I had my dad get us at the airport. I figured it would be better for me to get AJ settled and then go see Logan. We had talked a few times but I hadn't given him any specifics. I wanted to tell him face to face.

The whole drive to my dad's house, AJ talked excitedly with him about Partner and the beach and Legoland. I was taking him there for an overnight trip next week. I hoped Logan would come with us.

"You can build on the walls, Papa!" AJ said excitedly. "The walls!"

We got pizza for dinner and after eating, I put the Lego movie on for AJ and asked him if I could go see my friend for awhile.

"Can Partner stay here?" AJ asked. They were lying together on a big pillow and both looked sleepy.

"Absolutely," I kissed his head and told him to be good before heading out.

"Veronica," my dad called after me. We hadn't talked at all about my decision.

"Yeah?" I turned around.

"Tell Logan he's welcome here anytime. He seemed kinda glued to his car the last few times he dropped you off."

Relieved, I smiled at him. "Thanks."

"And I'm glad you're home," Dad added quietly.

"Me too," I said before pulling the door shut.

* * *

There was no answer when I rang the bell at Logan's house. I walked around the back and down to the deck where I saw a towel and a half empty water bottle. Maybe he was surfing.

I settled in a chaise lounge, watching the waves and waiting for him. I must've drifted off because when I woke up, it was dark out and there was a figure standing over me.

Logan moved so that he was sitting on the edge of the chaise beside me. I hugged him first, then kissed him til my lips hurt.

He pulled back, keeping his hands on my face, as though he was studying me.

Finally he smiled and said, "What took you so long?"

* * *

AUTHORS NOTES:

As I started writing this, and I began to see it would be more than just a few pages, I wrote this ending. I always knew it would come back here. I'm sure that some people are going to flame me for what I did to Duncan, but COME ON. It just made sense to me! His overbearing mother forced him to hide who he is. I could totally picture it. And you know, it's fanfic, I can do what I want! Hell Rob did what he wanted to season four I can damned well do what I want here! Thank you for reading and please feel free to share your thoughts!


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